December 2011
7 posts
Ah yes! 10 words into my 1000 word socratic dialogue. Ah yes! Good. Socrates.
What’s a Greek philosopher’s favourite sport? Soccertes. HA.
this paper is really writing itself, Tim
Tim Mikula starring in: Other Beefs I Have HEY GUYS, HERE’S ANOTHER BEEF I HAVE. WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH HAVING BEEFS? I MEAN, MEN ARE ALL LIKE “WOAH NOW, BEEFS”, BUT LADIES...
November 2011
1 post
WatchAnimated porn from the late 20’s. Everything from auto-fellatio to bestiality!
July 2011
6 posts
Harry Potter Epilogue Fanfic
And so, Harry Potter, having defined himself throughout his formative years as the antithetical perfect good to Voldemort’s perfect evil, found himself struggling to adjust to a post-he-who-must-not-be-named world.
Eventually, his atrophied body and soul fell away, at the hands of a .22 gauge on a gloomy Sunday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBIqLqUenz0
FISHSLIMEPOETRY
I’ve been all about writing pantoums and palindromes lately. This is my fusion of the two. Second and fourth line of each stanza is the first and third of the next, except the order of the words is reversed. OOooOOOoooooOOooooHHHH. Also the last stanza’s second and fourth lines are the first stanza’s first and third, ALSO REVERSED.
Mr. Gacy and Me clowns pretend by their jibes...
FISHSLIMEPOETRY
Tea Leaves and Love or ‘testicles’ Our love’s a moist, bitter sack steeped and boiled leave, my love/ I love my leaves boiled and steeped Steeped and boiled leaves, my love not your moist, bitter sack
Loving the equine, cholera
Dr. Horse Anatomically speaking Autonomous horse With a med degree Anatomically speaking Metal shoe hooves With a med degree Blunt force surgery Metal shoe hooves Shake my human hand Blunt force surgery Render me a broken man Shake my human hand Autonomous horse Render me a broken man Doctor Horse
Very well My Leige. I bow so low I snag my braces in the shag carpeting. Violently tearing my face out I knock a pencil thin stand off balance. Mr. Lodge’s priceless vase teeters for a moment before tumbling down and shattering into thousands of pieces. Thank god Mr. Lodge died of SARS many years ago.
March 2011
2 posts
The test results are in. Joseph, you are not the father of little baby Jesus.
The Virgin Maury
“I can assure you that my wife is all woman, even though she looks kinda young.”
– Jerry Lee Lewis, on his 13 year old wife and cousin
October 2010
1 post
Yeah she’s got a big dick, for a girl.
September 2010
1 post
All New Ford F-150
All New Ford F-150
High performance V-8
Highest torque in all its class
Greater payload
All leather interior
Heated seats
Seats so hot you’ll say “boy these seats are hot”
Seats so hot they’ll cook the poo in your butt.
Seats so butt-cookingly hot passengers will say “your truck smells like cooked poo”
Seats so hot you’ll be eating cooked poo for...
August 2010
1 post
He's the one with chocolate milk stains on his...
July 2010
4 posts
Money Making Idea #65 (Patent Pending)
Open a physical rehabilitation clinic where you motivate patients to walk by farting on their wheelchairs.
June 2010
4 posts
PAGES OF HISTORY
Somewhere around year 21 (of 40) Moses is idly chopping the carrots in the morning. Nothing unusual, nothing unusual at all.
That’s odd, there seems to be some sort of fungus among the chopped carrots.
Wait a minute… that’s no fungus.
A horrified Moses casts his gaze further downwards. He has lopped off his foreskin.
How embarrassing, what woman will want him now?
...
Bundt cake, paint and canvas don't last in the...
I left a painting out in the rain to see if it would get any better
It only got wetter
The grass is poisoned with toxic paint
This bundt cake tastes terrible
Which I also left out in the rain
“Welcome to the bottom of the ocean, motherfuckers.”
– An angler fish
Wait a minute… this poo oil I bought is nothing but snake oil!
April 2010
3 posts
Dear Dr. Hayman
I would like to request a deferral for the SOC 225 final scheduled for Friday, April 23. You see, I fully intended to study, but Waterworld was on.
Tim
BREAKING NEWS
World’s smartest man poops own pants during exceptionally long movie, now everyone’s not so sure.
Indira Gandhi declared in 1974 that the successful nuclear missile test conducted by India was for “peaceful purposes”.
Pakistan, having lost a war to India in 1971, could only pray she wasn’t bluffin’ with her muffin.
March 2010
2 posts
MAYBE IT'S THE AEROSOL PAINT IN MY BRAIN BUT...
yes
New Text Message
From: Moses
Let my people go.
CB: 511-4128
Apr 13, 3:48PM
February 2010
2 posts
Well, excuuuuuse me princess. →
January 2010
10 posts
You’ll phone K-Rock and demand Captain Beefheart, I’ll glue phonebook pages onto every part of my painting that isn’t a masterpiece. and it will be 8 beers before I ever write poetry
“C-c-c-corned bee-beef, swi-swi-swi-swiss ch-cheese, s-s-s-s-s-auerkraut, r-rye bread”
-Reuben Stutter’d
Apparently I Have Some Sort of Ocean Madness
Last night I was up until 2AM painting cats onto a grid.
This morning, while walking through a crowded area I caught myself muttering
“pump the hams, pump the hams” under my breath.
9/11 CONSPIRACY THEORY
Little did Abdulaziz al-Omari know, Tower 1 was a portkey. He was ripped through the nether and arrived in an ancient graveyard, where he watched in silent horror as Voldemort tortured and killed Cedric Diggory.
The Pope's Top Five Artists (Week Ending...
1. Gregorian Chanting
2. Lady Gaga
You can’t kill me, I’m already dead.
-Ghandi
Snooki,
I’ll be your tall, dark, Italian, juicehead, guido.
Sham Wow as contraceptive.
December 2009
8 posts
The Green Goblin is busy carving abs into his synthetic goblin suit.
“Now the girls will like me” he thinks.
“I don’t want any more meatloaf, YOU GREASY CATFISH WHORE”
Peter Parker immediately regrets his words. Unfortunately, he has post traumatic stress disorder.
“Excuse me, sir, there’s a sticky white mess gumming up the forklift. I can’t move these pallets.”
“That cunt Spiderman,” the foreman grumbles, “what, does he think his web disappears? It has the tensile strength of titanium.”
Alvin sets back to painstakingly chipping away at the now rock hard web. If this continues he will die a young, sad man.
“Autobahn? More like Awfulbahn” Hitler commented, dryly.
Eichmann and Goebbels looked at their feet, ashamed. It would be a tense dinner with the Furher tonight.
Emmeline of Cambridgetown
Chapter 5
Snow is gently falling, illuminated by the setting sun. A cold breeze tickles Emmeline and carries away her frozen breath into the sky. The hairs of Emmeline’s fur coat are freezing at the tip and the soft white catches the sun’s waning rays and immediately Emmeline is wearing a sublime golden robe. Her heart beats in tandem with her muffled footsteps in the fresh snow as she sets...
Emmeline of Cambridgetown
Chapter 4
It is two weeks since Emmeline’s rejection of Dante Corvette. Much has transpired for the Baxters of Cambridgetown, and the short lived burst of excitement for Emmeline and her suitor has been forgotten by all. All, but, of course, Emmeline.
While Anja and Madame Uptop tend to the wounds of Upchamp Baxter, their father, Emmeline sullenly scratches sad poetry into the stairs with a...